The Development Of The Intimate Relationship

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This is a guest post by Clearly Composed. It also featured on this months edition of Well Being Magazine.

Clearly Composed is the pen name of an avid blogger, freelance writer, daydreamer, domestic goddess, budding athlete and eternal soul dedicated to sharing the development of a healthy and balanced life filled with wellness, personal fulfillment, beauty and joy. Her passions include living in the forest, taking care of the world?s most adorable dogs, fiction writing, yoga and making soup. Check out more of her work on her site Graceful Balance. ?Amazingly enough at around forty years old I discovered who I am and I like her.

A wonderful part of special relationships that enhance our lives is developing and maintaining intimacy. It?s not regulated to just the romantic relationship as there are many friendships as well that have an intimate element to them. In both cases intimacy connotes a sense of emotional closeness and the willingness to open up and be authentic and real with your partner.

Dr. Wayne Dyer defines it in a beautiful way.

?To be intimate is to be tolerant and to accept another unconditionally. It means showing kindness and respecting the needs and wants of another person?showing intimacy is a way of communicating in which you are able to extend love to the other person without needing to be right or to make the other person wrong.?

It?s no surprise that we crave and long for that connection in our lives. For many though the desire is not enough. Their egos simply won?t tolerate that concept. The ego needs to survive, to be number one and will resist surrendering to intimacy with another person. It feels threatened because intimacy creates something intensely powerful and soul moving that the ego is not a part of. Intimacy and love don?t leave room for the ego?s games.

What stops us from achieving thriving, rich, intimate relationships is the ego?s attempt at making sure that very thing does not occur. It plays out in a variety of ways including:

  • Acting like a bully
  • Bossing your partner around
  • Being overly competitive
  • Needing to always be right
  • Setting the bar impossibly high
  • Withholding affection and compassion

All of these behaviors are the ego?s way of refusing to give up control. The examples shown above show a pattern of the ego exerting a power position and not allowing for an equal and loving partnership.

So how do we move through the ego?s manipulative desire to stay alive and instead to nurture the intimate relationships in our lives? The first step is to be aware of the ego and how control is its weapon of choice. When you are in a place of awareness regarding the ego?s tricks you can take notice when you have moved into a controlling or judgmental place or when you are allowing expectations to impact your thoughts and behavior.

The second step is to be willing to take emotional risks with safe people, people who hold your well being as precious to them. The ego loves to remind you to be afraid in these situations. It whispers that you could get hurt, could be embarrassed, could be humiliated, and could be rejected. Allow that whisper to be countered with your own clear and strong voice that replies you trust your intuition and your heart and are willing to take chances with good and loving people.

The ego is not good at being soft and pliable and that?s what intimacy needs. It requires a vulnerability that isn?t always easy or natural and a maturity to give up the need to be right in order to fill the need for a peaceful and loving relationship. Every time you decide not to battle with the ego and choose instead to gently move to an intimate place with another person your spirit cheers you along and the ego waves the white flag for the day.

Finally, the ego is not a huge fan of emotional honesty and withers when you take off the mask and allow another to see and love you, flaws and all. There is no war with the ego here.  You are just trusting that the authentic you is enough and doesn?t need to be hidden behind walls or under layers. Intimacy likes naked?likes skin. Learning to be naked with your clothes on is just as sexy.

So be aware, be soft, take risks and open your arms. Don?t let the ego?s whispers drown out your own voice. Don?t miss opportunities to truly connect because of fear. Don?t allow the ego?s need to control to overshadow or take away from the heart?s need to love and share with another. Invest in intimacy with trust, faith, and joy and see if those whispers just don?t disappear altogether.

Listen for love. It?s there.


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